I worry there isn’t much left in the Tank...
And they moan about repeats.
Last Sunday the Animal Planet channel ran Tanked from 6am until 3.50 the following morning.
And I bet you don’t even know what Tanked is.
It’s a mash-up of a property restoration programme and a wildlife documentary.
It follows the operations of Las Vegas-based Acrylic Tank Manufacturing, owned by brothers-in-law Brett Raymer and Wayde King who customise aquariums – with the additional ‘excitement’ of transferring sharks, rays and, er, jellyfish.
And last weekend Animal Planet saw fit to broadcast an incredible 22 episodes on the bounce.
They included a fridge being converted into a sanctuary, a bi-level koi fish pond, a pinball machine housing exotic creatures and at least two shows devoted to the presenters’ favourite aquarium-related memories.
My favourites included a tank complete with amplifiers, a stage and a light show for ‘flamboyant’ rockers Kiss (poor fish in more ways than one) and a shark display in an orthodontist’s waiting room.
He claimed the black tips swimming through the bubbles of an over-sized model toothbrush and past a plastic shark’s head with braces on its teeth would calm youngsters down before a filling. You sure?
The problem is, for all the contrived dramas – a missed sliproad and a gas shortage while transporting the live cargoes – ultimately there is nothing more than the underwhelming ‘reveal’ to the client.
It makes no difference if there’s a level of inventiveness or skill. At the end of the day it might as well be Tommy Walsh switching on a solar-powered fountain at his eco-house project.
You have to wonder where these mixes will end – and I blame Run DMC’s hook up with Aerosmith for the very concept of mixing tribes and tribulations.
What next, the Gadget Show live from the Kruger National Park with Jason Bradbury in his glasses and beret trying to flee a ravenous lioness on a foldaway Segway?
Or how about adding celebrity to wildlife and interior design?
Joanna Lumley could take a problem chimp to the Ideal Home Show, and the carnage could be broadcast over four Sundays.
Or you could persuade Kevin McCloud of Grand Designs fame to design the cab for an Ice Road Trucker in the middle of the gibbon cage at Dorset’s Monkey World Ape Rescue Centre.
Those malcontent bonobos would make pasting wallpaper, hanging drapes and positioning occasional tables almost impossible.
Magic. You think I’m exaggerating?
On Sunday on the same channel you could watch Animal Airport – highlighting the logistics of transporting chameleons, cheetah cubs, rabid dogs and alligator snapping turtles – from 6am until 7pm.
The whole station must be run by one YTS lad.